Not enough
by Pebr
Summary: In China, blue was traditionally associated with pain. Angsty Leo/Don with one-sided love. Nothing sexual.
1. Chapter 1

"Master Splinter probably thought about leaving me behind."

Mikey raises his eyes from his comic books, Raphael closes his bike magazine and Don places a bookmark on his book. They all look at him.

"Say that again?"

"Just thinking out loud", Leo murmurs, turning a page on his book. "I just mean that it was probably hard for sensei to take care of all of us."

Mikey turns his attention back to his comics, Raphael opens a new magazine and Leo continues reading. Don's gaze lingers on Leo.

* * *

Papers are scattered across Leo's usually clean table, and Don looks at them, not really paying attention. They are all notes from different books about battle techniques, but one paper catches Don's eyes. He picks it up. Leo's handwriting is pretty, every letter written with care.

_The color blue represents depression and sadness._

_In India, blue is thought to bring bad luck and is associated with mourning._

_In China, blue was traditionally associated with pain._

Donatello places the piece of paper back on the table, moving away from it when Leo finds the book he had been looking for. When Leo gives it to him, Don's fingers brush gently against Leo's.

* * *

"I trust you to bring your brothers back home safely, Leonardo."

Leonardo nods, bowing to their sensei.

"I will", Leonardo says, placing the burden on himself together with his father. Splinter nods back at Leonardo.

Don shakes his head.

* * *

Don notices how Leo trains without his bandana. The blue cloth is often left on tables or in the washing machine, even though they usually wear them like they're their birth marks.

He notices how much happier Leo looks when he's not wearing it.

He picks up the cloth, tracing his fingers along the fabric.

* * *

Honor. Don used to admire people with honor, people who kept their word. He was taught a lot about it; his master was very strict of it.

These days it just makes him look away. They all knew Leonardo was obsessed with honor, would probably even jump off a building if somebody just said it would be the honorful thing to do. There would've been nothing wrong if it hadn't been taken so far; and whose fault was it? Who had placed all the weight on Leo, causing him to take his place as the leader and his duty to be honorful so seriously it became a problem?

Don knew making Leonardo the leader was master Splinter's way of caring; he trusted Leo with all his heart, believing Leo would keep them all safe. He had just forgotten one thing; by doing that he had given them a new enemy; Leonardo.

How many times had they almost lost Leo because he thought he wasn't worth as much as his brothers? How many times would they have to watch Leo taking blows meant for them?

He hated the fact that others took advantage of Leo's sense of honor and duty. The Shredder, Karai and even their own master.

How many times would he need to fix Leo when he came back home bloody and broken, listening his drugged brother talking about protecting his family while he bled close to death in Don's hands?

How many times?

How many times would they let it happen?

* * *

Leo broke all their blue teacups. On accident, he says.

Don knows Leo smiles when he picks up the pieces.

Don started to match their sleep schedules so he could make pour the tea for Leo.

* * *

"Number four is considered an unlucky number in Chinese", Leo reads from the book he's holding.

Don grabs the book and tosses it away when Leo doesn't see.

* * *

Leo's feet disappear in the dark water, dangling from the edge of the raft.

It makes Don sick to think how easy it would be for Leo to jump in the water.

It makes him sick to know that Leo knows it too.

It makes him sick.

* * *

Sometimes Don feels like he doesn't know his brother.

When Leo places down his swords Don feels like Leo doesn't know himself either.

Don doesn't know if it's a bad thing.

* * *

When Leonardo is around, Don doesn't know how to hide his feelings.

He boots up his computer, counting in binary. The numbers won't tell him anything.

There's no enough zero's to describe Leo.

* * *

"No, I don't think he did", Leo says suddenly. His brothers turn to look at him.

"What?" Raph asks, crossing his arms.

"Master Splinter."

"_What?_" Raph repeats, as Leo is not making any sense to him. Mikey and Don share a look.

"I don't think he thought about leaving me behind", Leo says. He unsheathes his swords. They're inside the Foot building, about to break into the inner rooms and face the Shredder. They're close, only a few doors away.

"I think he knew it from the beginning", Leo continues as his brothers stare in confusion. "That this only ends when our blood is mixed and spread." Leo takes a step forward. "He needed me to end this."

"Woah, hold on, now", Raph says when Leo's words sink in. He grabs Leo's shoulder to prevent him from moving. "If you're saying what I think you're saying, then _hell_ no, Leo. Did you hit your _head_ or something?"

Leo moves his hand away from Raphael's grip. "Can't you see, Raph? It's the reason he _always _comes back! It _won't_ end before we _both–"_

Leo doesn't get to finish; Raph hits him.

It hurts to see Leo break under the pressure they've set on him.

It hurts to love someone so broken.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** This chapter is quite disturbing, I'd advice you to not to read it. XD Pre-SAINW, maybe? Before Don disappeared? (But it's not Don who drove them apart.)

* * *

Don knew he should've gotten rid of it.

Should've done it a long time ago.

But he had forgotten it, leaving it to gather dust for years.

He should've never visited their old lair.

Not with Leo.

The old lair had been broken and abandoned a long time ago, and they hadn't visited it for ages. Everything they had needed from there had already been picked up years ago, so there wasn't really a reason to visit. Maybe for the memories, the good and the bad.

Don couldn't remember what they had originally visited for this time. Memories? Just to look around a bit?

They had ventured further than usually, kicking and tossing rocks and old furniture away. They had had access to Don's lab before, but now they dug deeper.

And the machine was the only thing unbroken there. It stood under all the rubbish and dust like it had been _waiting. _Like it had known its day would come.

Don had been fascinated with it when he had built it, but now he was disgusted.

He had built it back when he had too much free time in his hands, when he had been interested in old machines and the old times. He had found it on a junkyard, not being able to tell how it had gotten there. It hadn't been hard for him to fix it after some research, and if he had something broken in his hands, why wouldn't he fix it?

He had just been curious if he would get it to work again. Simple, pure curiosity. A test of his own skills.

And it had worked.

Now he just prayed it wouldn't.

Had he known it would, he wouldn't have kneeled before it, hadn't wiped the dust away. Wouldn't have said "Oh, I wonder if it still works!" and wouldn't have gone to work with getting some electricity there.

But Don hadn't known that Leo was carefully watching as he worked. Couldn't see the warning signs as hope lit in his eyes. He had been too focused on his work.

As he finished with the machine and turned to look at his brother, he realized his mistake.

His smile faded.

"No", Don said. "Leo, no. _Never._"

"You don't know", Leo had said, sounding desperate. "You don't know. It could help me, Don. It could _save _me, Don."

Donatello stepped away from the machine, placing a hand on Leo's shoulder.

"It's an old machine, these aren't used anymore – and for a good reason", Don started calmly. He'd talk Leo out of this. "They're dangerous and I have no idea how to actually use it. Or what kind of effects using it would have. We shouldn't be even discussing this."

"You'd like to try it", Leo tried a different approach. It was true, but Don would never want it enough to try it on _Leo _or _anyone._

"It's horrible, Leo, it's torture! I'm never turning it on. _Never,_ you hear?"

"You know it could work. You know, yet you won't help me." Leo wasn't giving up and it made Don's blood boil. How selfish could Leo be? Implying Don didn't want to help him – of course he wanted to! But he knew this wouldn't help. Well, maybe it would but – the risk was too big to take.

But simply the fact that Leo knew Don didn't want to use it should've been enough for Leonardo to forget about it. But now he was pushing and making him feel guilty for not using it, making him feel sick.

"I'm going to break it", Don said, crossing his arms and staring Leo dead in the eye. Leo didn't blink.

"You'll break me with it", Leo said, his face not showing any emotion. He really believed this would be his only savior, even though he didn't know of it existed this morning. Don didn't agree, and Leo's attitude was getting on his nerves. Leo wasn't going to give up before, but suddenly this machine felt like the last choice for him. Don wasn't taking it.

"You're already broken", he hissed, tired at this. Tired at how broken Leo indeed was.

"Then don't break the machine", Leo just said, like Don's words meant nothing to him. Like he had expected Don to answer exactly the way he had answered.

Donatello didn't know how to respond. Was the machine really the only way?

"Is nothing enough for you, Leo? Do you have to break others with you?"

It was Leo's turn to be silent. Don could already feel the guilt burning inside him for saying it. Raph and Mikey had already said these things to Leo and turned their backs on him, pleading for Don to leave Leo as well, but he couldn't. He had clung to the one who he had believed in the most, if someone was to bring them and this world back to normal, it would've been Leo, right?

But Don's patience was running out. How long was he going to let Leo drag himself down with him, like Raph had described it? At which point had Leo started doing that to them?

"Please, Don. Let's try this. Give me a chance to fix my mistakes."

Leo pleaded and Don was too tired to turn him down.

He didn't know if by fixing his mistakes Leo had meant actually getting better and bringing them back together or if he had just hoped for Don to accidently kill him with the machine.

He could've done it on purpose too, though. At this point Don was sure that Leo could've just talked him to do it, like he talked him to do everything else.

Like turning the machine on, for example. How could he be so weak he couldn't resist Leonardo on this?

Years of trust, he figured. No matter how harsh Leo's request was, Don would do it. It was like acting on instinct. There was no reason to question his big brother.

There was no reason to question love.

Leo sat on the ground, trusting eyes fixated on Don. It made Donatello sick to know how much hope Leo had in this machine. What would it even change?

Don kneeled next to Leo, pushing him onto the ground. He'd need to start to figure where he'd bury Leo if this went to hell.

"It's going to get better, I know it", Leo whispered, his voice full of hope. Was it hope? Don didn't know, it had been so long since he had felt any. Leo touched Don's hand, and Don touched his in return. Leo smiled. Don couldn't.

"It's only going to hurt", Don said, and it was his turn to sound emotionless. Leo nodded; he knew it would.

But being "emotionless" ended before he could even start; he grabbed Leo's hand with force, making Leo look at him in confusion. Don shook his head.

"Leo, what's _wrong_ with us?" Don's voice was a whisper and he squeezed Leo's hand harder. Emotions leaked from his voice, emotions which he had pushed aside for years.

"Everything, Don", Leo answered calmly, gently. He spoke almost the way he did years ago; he was so close to his older self that Don almost felt tears, almost sobbed.

"This will cure me. _You _will cure me."

With shaky hands Don took a cloth from his belt, bringing it closer to Leo's face for him to bite down on it. Leo touched his face, caressing his cheek.

"After you cure me, Don", Leo whispered, "I could love you back."

* * *

**A/N:** in case you were wondering, the machine is one used for electroconvulsive therapy.


End file.
